Signs your parent is not okay, and what to do first

You visit, or you call, and something feels off. Maybe the house looks different. Maybe the answers on the phone do not quite fit the question. You do not need to know what it is. You need to know what to notice, what to write down, and who to call.

This page is not medical advice and cannot tell you what is wrong. Only a doctor or other qualified health professional can do that. Its job is to help you decide when to call the doctor or care team, and to be clear about when to call emergency services instead.

If it is sudden, call emergency services

Some changes cannot wait for an appointment. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention lists these stroke warning signs: sudden trouble walking, dizziness or poor balance, sudden vision problems, sudden numbness or weakness in the face, arm or leg (often on one side), sudden confusion or trouble speaking or understanding, and a sudden severe headache with no clear cause. Its instruction is to call 911 right away if you or someone else has any of them. Heart and Stroke Canada gives the same message for Canada: call 911, and do not drive yourself to the hospital.

If you fear your parent may hurt themselves, or you believe they are in immediate danger from someone else, call emergency services or your local crisis line. Do not wait for a regular appointment.

Everyday signs that something may be changing

AARP's guide to assessing whether an older adult needs help lists nine warning signs:

• Changes in hygiene, such as unkempt clothes, odours or stains
• Changes in appearance or mobility, including weight loss and trouble walking or getting in and out of chairs
• Frequent wounds, scrapes or injuries
• A home that has become cluttered or unsanitary, with expired food or unsafe clutter
• Social withdrawal, such as no longer attending events or joining conversations
• Finances out of control, such as unpaid bills, duplicate payments or falling for scams
• Problems with driving, such as dents or scrapes on the car
• Declining health, including trouble managing chronic conditions or missed or unrefilled prescriptions
• Changes in thinking, such as not recognizing familiar people or places

One sign on its own may not mean much. AARP also notes that some problems "just need attention" and do not call for a full caregiving plan. What matters is a pattern, or a change from how your parent normally is.

Memory and thinking changes

The Alzheimer Society of Canada publishes 10 warning signs of dementia, including memory changes that affect daily life, trouble with familiar tasks, disorientation in time and place, poor judgment, and changes in mood, personality or behaviour. Its advice is plain: if you are concerned about any of these signs, the next step is to talk to a doctor. It also says only a qualified health care provider can confirm dementia, after multiple assessments and tests, and that the list covers common symptoms, not all of them.

So you are not trying to work out a diagnosis. You are trying to notice, and to pass on what you saw.

What to do first

1. Write down what you saw. Note dates, what changed, and examples. A few specific lines are more useful to a doctor than "she seems off."
2. Talk with your parent. AARP suggests saying you have noticed they are struggling with certain tasks and asking whether they would accept help, while keeping them in control of the decision.
3. Call the doctor or care team. Share your notes. Ask whether your parent should be seen soon, and whether any medicines should be reviewed. Offer to go along or arrange a ride. If you can, bring a current list of every medicine your parent takes.
4. Ask about local help. AARP points to your area agency on aging, and to case managers who may be available through a physician's office.
5. Consider a third party. For a bigger picture, AARP describes an aging life care professional (also called a geriatric care manager) who can talk with the family about care needs. It reports typical fees of $150 to $350 an hour.

Look at the whole family, too

If your parent has a spouse, a sibling or a neighbour who sees them often, ask what they have noticed. If you live far away, a short call with that person can fill gaps you cannot see from a distance. For more ideas, see our long-distance caregiver checklist and our guide to preparing for a doctor appointment.

A small help from Cureva

Cureva is a personal and family health companion for family caregivers, launching soon. While you wait, our free Medicine and Doctor Sheet gives you one page for medicines, notes and questions, so the next call to the doctor goes smoothly. Get it here: https://cureva.app/free?utm_source=seo_signs-your-parent-is-not-okay

Sources

• US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Signs and Symptoms of Stroke: https://www.cdc.gov/stroke/signs-symptoms/index.html
• Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada, Signs of Stroke: https://www.heartandstroke.ca/stroke/signs-of-stroke
• AARP, How to Assess if an Older Adult Needs Caregiving Help: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/home-care/assessing-need-for-caregiver/
• Alzheimer Society of Canada, 10 warning signs of dementia: https://alzheimer.ca/en/about-dementia/do-i-have-dementia/10-warning-signs-dementia